By Stanley Collymore

You talk constantly and conveniently
of your undying love for me and as
well fancifully speculate about us
sharing the future together, stubbornly
refusing at the same time to even fleetingly
acknowledge let alone plan for the major upheaval
that such a scenario would bring about not only
in our two lives but also that of our respective
spouse, neither of whom is remotely aware
of what we’re secretly up to behind their
backs; and that makes me feel quite
uncomfortable, terribly guilty
and decidedly dirty!

For although I entered this clandestine
relationship with you of my own free
will and likewise with my eyes
wide opened, I none the less knew
perfectly well at the time that I was no
longer in love with my wife and was simply
waiting for the most convenient moment to
tell her this; that our marriage, from my
perspective, was well and truly over
and I wanted to end it; something
which I’d honestly confided
in you from the very onset
of our marital affair.

You said you understood for your situation
was very similar to that of my own, then
conscientiously and persuasively you
set about to and actually succeeded
in convincing me that it was;
which with hindsight was not a
particular onerous task on your part as
I was completely smitten by and totally hooked
on you from the very start. Consequently, I’m
as much to blame as you are for the state of
affairs we’re now in, and therefore I’m
neither seeking to exonerate myself
for my cheating conduct, excuse
it nor cowardly offload the
blame for it on you.

That said I desperately need to be honest once more
with myself so as to openly create an atmosphere
of decency where I can comfortably regain
my self-respect and once again become the
man I know I am, and be such in a truly
meaningful relationship completely
devoid of dishonesty, lying and deceit;
and irrespective of what I may have to
ultimately do or what the eventual
outcome of my future life may
be that is an aspiration that
can never be credibly
realized, I know,
with you.

© Stanley V. Collymore
1 February 2011.


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